Goons

Goons are little green imps that physically cannot do anything right unless someone else tells them what to do.  Goons always have a Boss (Note that the Boss is never another goon). Most often it will be the wizard who created them, but goons will latch onto whoever is the biggest, baddest guy in the room, so it isn’t uncommon to find them working for a bandit captain, spymaster, or any intelligent monster larger than them.

They were originally created in the cauldron of some ancient sorcerer to be the perfect henchmen. It's debatable whether he was successful or not, but because of this goons cannot function without a boss to direct them. It's instinctual. Goons without a boss end up stuck in a loop:

"What do you think we should do?"

"I dunno, what do you think we should do?"

"I dunno, what do you think we should do?"

Repeat until death.

So goons are stupid, yes, but they are stupid in the way that computers are stupid. If you're a boss, you need to be VERY specific with instructions for them to get it. Any smart goon boss will supply the group with a list of instructions with simple diagrams just to be sure they don’t fuck up. If given good instructions, goons will carry them out with slavish precision. Your average wizard will think they're smart enough to handle them, so some still go about making goons.

The original procedure used to create goons is unknown, but wizards have come up with their own processes and get similar results. The general procedure involves mixing a bunch of reagents into a boiling cauldron of magic stew. Lots of eyes of newt, tongues of pig, feet of chicken, wings of bat, hair of spider, you get the idea. A batch of goons made by one wizard will be a bit different from another, but they still have the general characteristics.

Tests have been conducted to determine the biological makeup of goons. It seems that despite their goblin/imp appearance, they are more closely related to oozes. They don’t have bones or organs, their bodies are formed from the coagulated alchemical mixture from their creation process.

As such, they’re basically cartoons when it comes to most forms of mundane damage. Drop a boulder on one and he’ll spring back up like an accordion, shoot an arrow through one’s head and all you end up with is a slimy arrow, dice one into pieces and he’ll put himself back together. 

Their jellylike bodies can also squeeze through just about any opening, given enough time. 

They do have a few big weaknesses though. Aside from the whole "must follow orders" thing is their reaction with water. It makes them melt.

Goons can reproduce, but no one knows how they do it. If a group of goons survives long enough, the group just...gets bigger? Somehow? And the new ones are full-grown. It presumably has something to do with globs of their bodies sloughing off and reconstituting into new goons, but there’s no reason to ask where they came from because all you’ll get is an “Uhhhhhhhh....I dunno, bawss.”

Goon

AC 9 [10] HD 1* (4 hp) Attacks 1 x weapon (1d6) THAC0 19 (0) MV 60’ (20’) SV NH ML 12 AL Neutral XP 5 NA 2d4 TT None

Immunity: Unharmed by non-magical bludgeoning, piercing, and slashing weapons.

Jelly Body: Can squeeze through any opening 1” or larger.

Water Susceptibility: If a goon is doused with water, it melts.

Loyalty: Goons follow every order given by their Boss, to the letter. If goons witness someone defeat their Boss, that person becomes the new Boss.

d10 Goon Features:

1. Wrinkled pig snout, constantly sniffling.

2. Second, smaller head on top of the main one.

3. Big yellow saucer eyes. One of them is lazy.

4. One antler and one horn, each pointed in different directions.

5. Hooked beak. The goon talks like a parrot. (Rawk! Like a parrot! rrawk!)

6. Tail ending in an arrow point, like a devil.

7. Tiny useless bat wings.

8. Skin oozes sticky slime.

9. Scaly chicken legs.

10. Skin covered in warts, bumps, and boils.